Leaving, Goodbyes, and Embracing Change

Change has always been a struggle for me. Its something that I fight against with clinched fists. I hide from change and creep out when the hardest part of change is over. This year has been a flood of grace in my life and full of wonderful moments with the people I love and I want to keep them forever, like snapshots. I have been trying savor those moments, savor the time I had left instead being anxious about time running out, or seeing the end of the year as the end of goodness and grace in my life. 

When it came down to the last week, finals were over and I spent all of my time soaking up those moments.  Anna Clare, Emo, Lyss and I made friendship bracelets. We talked about what our hopes and fears were for the summer, read and prayed together.[savor] Sleeping on Jungle's balcony with Leah and waking up to the sound of wind and birds, instead of an alarm clock. [savor] Having coffee under an umbrella in the rain with a good friend. [savor] 

I thought saying goodbye would be hard but I had a whole year's worth these moments, these snapshots to treasure. 

Fall Break road trip to New York, reading Bittersweet, listening to Josh Garrels, and learning how to love each other better.

Advent, Christmas lights with the roommates, and having the perfect Starbucks moment.

Seeing new life[my nephew Sam] come into the world before my eyes.

And watching him grow week by week.

Jungle. So many beautiful faces and beautiful hearts.

Getting lost for three hours and then having a picnic on the bluff.

So proud.

On the last night that Emo, Lyss, Anna Clare and I were together, possibly the last time we would all be together for a year, we read this to eachother:

"I could not have know then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like the seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when  it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning.

My prayer for you is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter...My hope for you is that your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you...It might be time for to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word for you: leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back.

It is you who will have changed. " -Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

When I left school, I was ready to go home, ready to change, ready to say goodbye. Change is the only way that new life, new growth happens. If I don't change I become stagnant. I will always be thankful for this year, for the friends God put into my life, for the growth that God has done and for the blessings that he has lavished on me. But I am not grieving its end, because I know that the people who have my heart will always be in my life, even if its across an ocean. I know that God will continue the work he is doing in me. I'm excited for the change and savoring the process instead of hiding from it.